I still miss the sun

Winner of

Nominated at

AUTHOR: Joyce19
E-MAIL: joyce19@libero.it
SUMMARY: An evil game forces a truth to be uncovered.
RATING: NC17, A
PAIRINGS: W/S; B/G; B/S friendship
SETTING: AU ...way AU
SUMMARY: An evil game, forces a truth to be uncovered.
DISCLAIMER: All hail Joss, except for Eric,  it's all yours not mine, I'm just borrowing the characters for a while, I don't want to infringe any copyright.
 FEEDBACK:  Please...please, please...but no flames...they're not healthy. I'll gratefully accept constructive criticisms, I need them for this fic;-);-)

 NOTE: Ok, just to set things right here: I ignore some of the events of the series,  and twist some of them to fit them in this story. The idea for this story came from various sources, from Saber Shadow's Kitten "To Saving the World" which I vividly recommend you, from various posts on the Jamesmarsters.com message board (YAY Zero, you rock!;-), from some spoilers about "Fool For Love" (including what I call DA PICTURE), and I believe each fan of Spike knows which picture I'm talking about. (I've never been that psyched about an episode of a tv series, since The X-Files' "One Breath") then I had a thought about Spike's humanity. I read transcripts of episodes I still haven't seen, and I started thinking about it, and I had a thought, what if the Council has some kind of Intelligence? What if the Slayers has other help besides the Watchers? So here it is my fiction. WARNING: It's an AU story, waaaaay AU ...I'm creating my own mythology here.;-)
And yes, in this fiction Spike is NOT bad...and is probably out of character...so what? I'm not a writer of the show, I write for my own enjoyment, I know how to stay true to the characters...I willingly choose not to...that's my story, these are my ideas and theories and I'm sticking to them;)

NOTE2: No Tara, No Riley and no Dawn in this one....it's not that I don't like the characters, but  I so didn't need them;-)

To Sabrina...luv, I *so*  love you! To Maria, my partner in crime...you keep inspiring me and encouraging me, I do really luv you!

Begun on 11/05/2000 ~ Finished on: 3/2/2001

PROLOGUE

~ He was watching the sunrise. No matter how tired he was, he always did. It had so many meanings to him. It meant that he had survived another long night, that he could enjoy the borrowed time he still had. He always watched it, because he knew that each sunrise could be his last, and he wanted to remember it.

He had discovered, though, that each sunrise was different from the previous, the colors were different, the air was different. Yet, it didn't cease to amaze him. Its beauty didn't cease to take his breath away. He actually looked forward to that moment, the moment where his breath caught in his throat when he marveled at the pink and pale golden nuances of the sky.

 William Appleton, shivered at the morning chill, yet he smiled. There was too much darkness in his life, a darkness toned just by the red of the blood he saw each night. The blood of innocent, nameless victims of the night and its mysteries.

Those nuances gave a bit of life back to him. 

He knew he was living on a borrowed time, each sunrise was a gift, each  *heartbeat* was a gift. He knew that he was going to be activated, sooner or later. He had been trained for that moment for years. Nothing scared him anymore. He didn't feel pain, anymore, he had gotten used to it...they had taught him to like pain.

He had nothing to lose, no one to lose. His family thought he was dead...he wasn't of course. Not physically, not yet...but his life had ended the moment he had accepted to be one of the Eletti. When he had accepted to be one of them he had consciously given up on his life, for the sake of the world.
 

A new name, a new identity, had been given to him, a lousy job, a room...and a mission....to spy on them, to research on them.   Vampires.  Demons. He wasn't scared of them anymore. How could he? He spied on them night after night, he observed them, studied them...

He had been trained to be as silent as them, he had been taught meditation to slow his heartbeat, had been given potions to cover his human smell...all of it, to spy on them...before he was activated. When the time would come, he was going to be one of them.

To keep the world safe, to aid the Chosen One, to prevent darkness from overruling the Earth.

When the time would come, he was going to die...to become one of them... apparently. His soul was not going to be wiped away by the demon that was going to inhabitate his body.  He was going to be the little spot of light within the darkness.

He wasn't afraid to die, not any more. As a Watcher he had been prepared to lay down his life for the Slayer, for the sake of the world.

Dying was just a matter of perception. Besides, he really didn't have nothing to lose.

A first, lukewarm beam of sunlight hit his forehead.

He had nothing to lose. Nothing, except the sun.  ~

     -1-
Spike opened his eyes and sat on the makeshift  bed, his crypt was lit by candle-light, he could already smell  the twilight. He shrugged  and closed his eyes covering his face with his left hand, touching the moisture on his face.

He had been crying in his sleep.

"I'm beyond pathetic" he grumbled shaking his head. "It's not like  I didn't have a choice, back then." He continued getting up from the bed and putting on his jeans and t-shirt.

He didn't often think or dream about when he was still alive. He had made a choice, he had accepted it, he had done it because he had believed he was doing the right thing. He still did.

Carrying a double identity for more than a century hadn't been easy...actually it had been damned difficult. There had been times, he had just told his soul to sod off and enjoyed being a vampire, he had needed it, not to go crazy. There had been times he had just taken a vacation from his assignments...yet, in the end, he had always returned to it, to his calling, his sacred duty.
 

"Speaking of which..." he murmured. Out of habit he turned and looked around making sure he was alone in his crypt, then let out a tired chuckle. He lived alone, his chipped status had alienated him from the vampire community in Sunnydale, which on an extent was fine by him. He knelt behind his bed, and took from under it a backpack. His backpack. He took a floppy from it. He put his trusty duster on and slipped the floppy on the inside pocket of it.

The day computers had been invented had been one of the happiest in Spike's unlife. It had made everything easier. He had reports about his activities to write. There had been times it had been really difficult to write and hand them.

The years spent with Angelus had been the hardest...that wanker, had been like an hawk...always hovering over his shoulders, always keeping tracks of his movements. After he had been cursed it had been a piece of cake. Dru was psychic, but she was mad...and she had trusted him.

Thinking of her as always hurt. There had been times he had hurt so deep within that he'd actually cursed his soul...he had to laugh while he left his crypt. When he was alive, he hadn't known love, funny how being a vampire and being in love with one of them had taught him that.

He had said once, he would have tortured her into loving him again. He wished he had been really able to do it.

He had gained his nickname for his habit of torturing people with railroad spikes, little most of the watchers knew, that the people he had tortured had been vampires, or criminals, or just people who planned to end the world.

The council, had given him his nicknames and he had found them amusing, trust the old bastards to keep up the facade.

The Eletti would have given the CIA a run for their money.

He had tried to torture Drusilla...and part of him had enjoyed it...he lived with a demon within himself after all, and contrary to Angel, he didn't have time to brood...he couldn't soak in regret for what he did, he couldn't afford that weakness.

Contrary to Angel he had had a soul when he had killed the first person as a vampire...he had mourned over each life he had taken, he had forced himself to, not to lose his humanity...but he hadn't ever had time to brood over them...if he had, he would have probably staked himself.

Drusilla had appreciated the effort, though...and for a while everything had been perfect. Part of him, hadn't really wanted to come back to her, but his contacts from the Eletti had warned him that his fruitcake of a girlfriend, had been on another of her 'let's-end-the-world-wanna-come-?'  plans and he had been practically forced to drag his ass over there, to Brazil to stop her.

What was with vampires and the end of the world, anyway? On whom were they going to feed if the world ended? When they were going to realize, that on a scale of zero to ten, in the underworld they were considered just one step above zero? They were too humans, too hybrids.

And besides, although the world they were living in was a mess, it was much better than Hell on Earth...

"Well, that's an understatement, if I ever heard one"  he muttered, watching the night sky. He had an appointment and he suspected he was late. He hadn't expect to fall asleep, nor to dream about the sun.

He had to hand the report of the last months. Since another of The Eletti had been called he had been  stuck in Sunnyhell. He had hoped after last year and the hell he had been through, they would have sent him somewhere else, but they had refused, claiming something big was going to happen and that he had to stay and help the Slayer, since she refused to hear from the Council.

He lit a cigarette, while quickly heading toward the rendezvous point. He didn't know what to do of Buffy Summers.

His demon was obsessed with her. It hated her guts, it longed for her blood - well, his demon longed for anyone's blood-...and wanted her dead, his soul respected and liked her...it enjoyed  their fights and bantering. All in all, Buffy Summers exasperated the hell out of him.

He had heard about her even before knowing her. The Eletti always knew about the Slayers, about who they were, who their watchers were. They were linked after all. He had never meant to really kill her ...despite what he had told to the Annoying One _killing the little, obnoxious bastard had been one of the most enjoyable experiences of his life _ and Drusilla, he had just stepped over to stop that stupid crap about St. Vigeous night. Yet when he had seen her in action, that first night outside the Bronze... his demon had actually roared with the pleasure.

His demon had longed for her blood, it had wanted her dead that night at her school. He had really hunted her, played with her...and enjoyed it.

Luckily, in the very end  his soul and Buffy's mom had stepped over.

They had forgiven him for the first slayer he had killed, they had asked him to kill the second...killing a third would have made him intimately acquainted with a stake, he had no doubts about that.

He had planned to distract Drusilla from that idea, but then, a bunch of psychos had come to Sunnydale, first the git who had put that spell on the Halloween costumes, then that boy who wanted to be a vampire.

"People are strange..." he whispered taking a drag from his cigarette. Then the other Slayer had come up, and he had been stuck on that damned wheelchair...Drusilla had regained her strength and of course the first thing she had done was  assembling the pieces of the Judge

< Why did I want her cured in the first place? Oh, yes...I love her!>

He shook his head and grimaced at the thought of the following months. Of course since his life wasn't already enough difficult, Angel had to lose his soul, just when he had been incapacitated.

He had lost his soul for a moment of happiness with the Slayer of all people!

He wished he could tell Buffy about who he really was, just to tell her how utterly stupid she had been to sleep with a vampire...she was the slayer, for god's sake! When Angelus had told him how he had lost his soul he almost couldn't believe it.

Years of practice, had taught him to mask his real feelings, but he had felt for her. He knew how cruel Angelus could be, his then girlfriend had been an unliving proof of it. After all he had been activated because of Angelus.

He hadn't even had the chance to contact the Eletti, perhaps they would have helped Angel, they would have given his soul back to him.

He had known he couldn't rely on Giles. The Watchers usually didn't know about the Eletti. Although he had been informed Giles knew about the Eletti, he couldn't risk to blow his cover asking for his help. He sometimes felt, yet that the Watcher suspected about him. He made a mental note to himself to check on him as soon as possible. Back then, though, he had just hoped, that someone in the Council, contacted the Eletti, but it had been all for naught.

Angelus had taken Dru away from him, had killed the Watcher's girlfriend, he had even scared poor Willow half to death first attacking her, then hanging her goldfishes like Christmas lights....all to hurt Buffy.

Angelus was a sick, sick vampire.

He'd been aware that Angel was dangerous since the beginning. He had half hoped he was still his old self when he had seen him that night at the High School, he would have quickly dusted him, pretending he was furious with him for leaving them.

When he had found out about  his soul, he had been scared shitless. Whether it had been a gift, or permanent, he probably would have talked to him, for the first time he would have had some aid, it would have made things easier for him, unfortunately  his soul hadn't been a gift, it had been a curse.

He knew Angel  had been extremely dangerous, he'd had a gut feeling about that whole matter since the beginning. He had known that if he had lost his soul hell would have broken loose.

Facts had almost proven him right. Almost.

First the Judge. He had been left waiting and hoping the Slayer and her chums would have stopped him.

Being alone, though, had given him the chance to contact the Eletti and to wait for their instructions.

They had told him to wait and see.

Then Achatala.  He had been tempted to just sod off the orders, tell the Slayer about his calling, contact the Council and the Eletti and give Angelus a piece of his fist.

Of course, they had forbidden him to do that. Under no circumstances the world had to know about them. Their calling was even more a secret than the Slayers'. That's why he didn't know who the other active Eletti were.

That's why he had been forced to kill the first Slayer.

...that and because Angelus wanted to turn her.

His orders had been to help the Slayer, then get the hell out of Sunnydale and go to South America where he was needed.

He had to admit Drusilla had surprised him, then. First she had killed the other Slayer, then had kidnapped Giles.
 

Had it been for him, he'd have let Giles die. He wouldn't have been happy about it, he had come to respect him after he'd had the gall to come alone to the factory and hit Angelus with that flaming bat. He had been sure he would have killed Angelus. He knew about him, he knew how dangerous  could be. He knew more about him than the whole Scooby Gang. He also knew, first hand, that Watchers were trained to bear physical torture. Watchers were trained to die if necessary.

He had known he wouldn't have talked. To this day he was still proud of him. Giles hadn't asked for mercy, hadn't begged Angelus to stop, he had barely screamed. His training and his hatred for what Angelus had done to the people he loved had been a shield for him.

Then Buffy had told him Drusilla would have died if Giles did. He had believed her, he had been sure she would have been dust whether Angelus had killed Giles.

What was he supposed to do? He loved Drusilla, both his demon and his soul loved her. He had given up everything for his calling, he had given up his *life* for his calling, to save the world. He hadn't been ready to give up on Drusilla. For once both his soul and his demon had agreed. So he had talked to her, convincing her to take matters in her hands and to go easy on him.

Of course she had been able to make him talk. Trust Drusilla, to be more effective than Angelus with mental torture, like sire, like childe, indeed.

Luckily for them all, Buffy had shown up. He had finally had the chance to hit Angelus. He had wished to do so, for the longest time. He had hit him for what he had done to Dru so long ago, for what he had done to Buffy and her loved ones, for what he had put him through. He had wished he had smashed that sick brain in, instead, just before he was leaving with Dru he had seen he was about to kill Buffy.

He hadn't seen that Achatala was about to open, he had just thought, to get the hell out of that place.

Only later had he been informed through his contacts about what had happened. Just after Dru had left him, he had been ordered to come back to Sunnydale, to check things out and see how things were going on its Hellmouth. He had put on his show and in the meantime had looked for new threats. Angel had his soul and was fighting the good fight. His little speech about love had  put a distance between him and Buffy, for a little while, at least.

He had really been heartbroken but not *that* heartbroken. After he had come back to Dru and helped preventing another of her crazy plans, he had come back to Sunnydale, just in time, to help in preventing the Ascension. Actually it had been a great time, he had worked alone, he had been totally alone for the first time in over a century, free to act how he wanted, free to be himself for a change.

There hadn't been minions, there hadn't been Drusilla. He had worked on his own. He had been some kind of a guardian angel to the Scooby Gang.

After the Ascension he had just begun to plan a vacation, when they had given him another assignment. The Gem of Amara. He had to find it and destroy it.

Something had happened, then. When he had put that damn ring on, he had wanted to keep it to himself. He had been able to go out in the sun. For the first time in over a century he had been out in the sun and he had enjoyed it.

He fought the good fight. Of course his methods were quite questionable, to keep up his facade he killed,  drained people, he turned them, but he was one of the good guys more or less. He had thought he deserved to be able to go out in the sun, to touch a cross without fearing third degree burnt wounds.

He had thought he deserved a little reward,  his fights with the Slayer had made him come to his senses. For the first time he had been sure he could have killed her if he had really wanted to.  He was invincible. He'd felt more powerful than he remembered ever being.

So he had given it to her. Of course he couldn't have *just*  given it to her. He had pushed her buttons, feeding her anger. She had been able to take that ring off, and in the process, besides risking his unlife, he had betrayed the precarious trust she had had on him. He hadn't missed the look of hurt she had given him. He hadn't liked it, but no one had ever said, his was an easy job. His feeling weren't supposed to enter the picture, he wasn't even supposed to *have* feelings.

When he had known Buffy had sent the ring to Angel, he hadn't been surprised, actually he had expected that.  He had wondered, though,  whether Buffy had been thinking straight when she had given that ring to Angel.  He had been tempted to just shook her by her shoulders and tell her, "Are you bloody crazy or what? What if he loses his soul again?  How the hell are you going to kill him if he has that ring on? What if seeing the sun gives him a happy?"

When he had known about that, he had sent his soul to a little well deserved vacation and had gone to Los Angeles, with the clear goal of taking the ring back, kill the bastard once and for all and enjoying every minute of it.

He had failed, of course. Little did he know, that Angel was protected by the Powers that Be. Luckily, deep down...very deep down,  Angel was a smart guy...he had later been informed he had destroyed the ring. He had to admit his respect for him had raised then, it meant he was quite serious with his willingness to help the helpless.

He had been sent to Sunnydale, again as a permanent assignment, since Buffy had left the Council and its resources.

That's when he had been neutered. To say he hadn't been happy about it, meant using an euphemism. He had been as mad as hell. When he had contacted the Eletti they had told him to ask for the Slayer's help. That's how he had found himself in the dorm room. He could have talked to the Slayer and tell her about his real identity...instead he had found Willow. He had been forced to put on an act. He had already known he couldn't hurt humans, it had been his way to let Buffy know about it. 

He recalled that night with fondness. Trust Willow Rosenberg to comfort a vampire, and trust him to comfort a heart-broken human in his own way. He'd always  liked Willow, more than he was ready to admit.  He had escaped and come back to Harm, a few weeks later she had kicked him out and he had been alone and defenseless  and had almost starved.

He had gone to the Watcher asking for his help, after all, in a twisted way they were peers. He had lived with the Watcher for a while,  seeing how he felt useless and old...without his slayer. He had to admit he hadn't really liked Buffy during that period. That man had given up his whole life for her, and she barely remembered he was still alive.

He made another mental note to himself to do something for the two of them...they really needed to talk things out.

At the beginning he had thought he couldn't hurt demons...that, after all was his real goal...hurting humans was a side effect. One he didn't particularly enjoy, but it had been necessary. Not many vampires would have considered him a believable master, whether he had been feeding from animals.

He had been depressed, he had really wanted to stake himself. He had begun questioning the whole point of his existence. He had lost Drusilla, he had believed he couldn't hurt demons, he hadn't very believable as enemy any more.

Luckily Willow and Xander had saved him, Willow showing some concern for him and Xander telling him about the end of the world. They had dragged him with them, when actually he would have needed to act on his own. They wouldn't leave him alone when he needed to research, that's why he had humiliated them. He knew how to push people's buttons. His training  as watcher, with the Eletti and with Angelus had taught him that.

His swift researches had been to no avail, so he had just joined them, thinking he couldn't do anything to help them. He had just watched them fight...then he had discovered he could still hurt demons.

He had really wanted to help them, instead he had almost screwed things up tossing that demon in the Hellmouth, but how was he supposed to know those demons  were the sacrifice?

What was it with demons and their willingness to go all kamikaze just to end the world? Granted, as human he had consciously given up his life...but he had done that to *save* the world.

The following months had been hard on him. He had been through hell. It had been difficult to keep up his cover, kicking demons' asses, and finding out about Adam and his plan....and mostly helping the Slayer and her chums to stop him....without them knowing about it.

In a way he had blown up his cover, when he had openly started fighting demons, officially to satisfy his thirst for violence. The local demons  had him on their shit lists, but he wasn't worried about that, he could take care of himself.

Perhaps Buffy and her friends wondered why he hadn't done something concrete to get rid of the chip, truth was he had been ordered not to take it off. As long as he had that damned chip on, he would have had an excuse to hang around the Slayer and kill demons. Granted, he would have preferred to be chipless, but he obeyed orders.

He had to smile at the image they all had of him. An image he had carefully crafted over the years. He wasn't impulsive, contrary to popular belief he carefully planned everything he did. All of his misses had been planned to the least detail.  He had a tough control on himself. The facade he put on had been mastered with years of practice, and strong nerves. If he had really been that reckless, he wouldn't have lasted a month with Angelus, Darla and Drusilla.

 The Eletti had chosen him for his quick mind, for his cold blood, for his ability to see through people and for his honesty. He was probably one of the eldest among the active Eletti. He knew there were ten of them all over the world, one for each hot spot. They all fought to avoid the end of the world. One would probably think that when they were alive they had been unsteady human beings, cold blooded killers...on the contrary, the Eletti only picked up the purest, the bravest, the more stable among them.

He still recalled the day he had been contacted to become one of the Eletti. How young, how idealist and willing to help the Slayer he had been.

He shook his head while looking around, spotting the guy he was supposed to meet. He saw him across the park. It was a young man, dressed in jeans and black sweater. He had short ash-blond hair. He sniffed the air, he had no smell and his heart beat was very slow, almost inaudible. He smiled, he was his contact.

He looked around making sure no one was watching them, then got close to him saying aloud, "Isn't it a bit late for you to be around in the park, mate?"

The young man raised his head and meet his eyes. The look in his  brown eyes was unmistakable. He was training to become one of them. The man cleared his throat then said, "I enjoy the quiet of the night..."

Spike noticed he had no accent, he shrugged and looking around said, "The night is never quiet, mate...you always have to look behind your shoulders"

"I have eyes behind my shoulders, I'm not afraid" the young man quietly said. Spike bit his tongue not to chuckle at that old phrase. The young man run his right  hand through his hair, he saw on his pinky finger the ring with the sapphire on it.

All of them had one of those rings. When they were activated they put it off. The Sapphire, meant fidelity.

< To stand against the darkness. To be the light within the darkness. >

The young man looked around then said, "You're late..."

"I know, but..." he surprised him, punching him in the face. The violent pain which exploded in his head assured him, the man was still alive. He couldn't ever be too sure about his contacts. God knew what would happen if the Eletti were discovered.

"Hey, what was that for?" the man asked rubbing his jaw.

Spike shook his head, trying to clear it from the pain then said, "I just wanted to make sure of something, mate...nothing personal"

"If you say so..." the man looked at him then asked, "Do you have it?"

Spike nodded, then handed him the floppy. He wasn't worried about its contents, they were encrypted and only a few people knew the codes. He just loved the modern technology. Writing his reports in obscure and very dead languages hadn't been pleasant.

The young man accepted it, Spike looked at him and asked, "What are the orders?"

"Stick around and keep a close eye on the Slayer and protect her...with your life if necessary...she's important, very important."

Spike nodded tempted for an instant to say aloud, "Duh! She's the Slayer, you pillock!" he shook his head  and asked, "What about the others?"

"The usual...keep tracks of the witch's progresses, keep a special eye on the former demon, protect her boyfriend..."

"What about the Watcher? He knows about us and  I think he suspects about me..."

"Keep an eye on him, you know how dangerous he can be with magic. Do you still have the paper and the ingredients?"

Spike nodded.

"Do you know how to perform the rituals?"

"Yes, I do..." he said quietly.  He had requested and obtained the spell's formula which was used on the Eletti when they were activated. It was a spell, which bound the soul of a person to its body in case the said person was vamped. It was permanent, there weren't clauses.

He shuddered at the mere idea of one of them turned. They would have made powerful and deadly vampires, one of them was a slayer, two of them knew and practiced magic and were damn good at it, one was a former demon, the other  one was apparently just an average guy with his heart in the right place, ready to die for each one of them in a heartbeat, if Xander was ever vamped he would have been the more dangerous of them. He sometimes reminded him of Angelus. He suspected that was one of the reasons, the boy hated Angel so much. He could see all too clearly his darkness.

 He had the spell ready, just in case.

"What if he knows?" Spike asked, although he already knew the answer.

The man cocked an eyebrow at him and said, "What do you think? Under no circumstance..."

"The world has to know about us...I know that." He said in a bored voice.

The man nodded, he looked around then gave handed him a blue diskette saying, "I don't know what is this...but they told me to say this, 'Heta7tanatos' "

Spike blinked at the man's words and asked, "Are you sure?"

The man nodded and said, "I'm still training, I get what tanatos is...but what about the other..."

"Nothing, now get the hell out of here and tell them I'll take care of everything and they'll hear from me very soon..." he paused then added, "tell them, if they're right, I'll need another Eletti here pronto..."

"Is it so bad?" the man asked. For the first time Spike caught insecurity in that man's eyes. He sighed, if what the Eletti were saying was true, the covers of all them were at stake, and so was the world, last time he had heard that phrase, he had been forced to kill a whole bunch of people who were planning to open a hellmouth...hence gaining his nickname of William The Bloody. 

Spike was about to answer and tell him that it was indeed very bad, so bad  that he could be forced to ask for the Slayer and her friends' help, when thanks to his enhanced hearing he caught noise of a battle nearby.

< That's the last thing I need right now >  he thought all but sighing. He morphed in his game face.

"Oh, crap!" the man murmured hearing the people fighting.

Spike got up, hiding the diskette  in a pocket of his duster, he looked at him and hissed, "Get the hell away from here, and tell them we need help, as soon as possible...heta7tanatos has probably begun "

The man opened his mouth, Spike growled  and the man got up from the bench,  running then away from him.

Spike closed his eyes, quickly collecting his thoughts, and trying to form a plan. He had totally ignored the signs, heta7tanatos...that  word kept echoing in his mind while he quickly headed toward the noise.

Heta7tanatos.

One of the Eletti had blown up his cover, and someone was looking for them all, to end  the world.

He only hoped he still had time.

-2-

The sight which welcomed Spike when he arrived to the nearby graveyard for a moment made rush what little blood he had left to his ears.

There were demons, everywhere. The air in the graveyard was thick with vampire's dust and the stench of killed demons' blood. Buffy, Giles, Willow, Anya and Xander were all fighting. Seemingly from nowhere demons and vampires kept appearing.

Spike looked around, recognizing the demons...he was sure Giles was having a field day, seeing first hand almost all the demons he had studied at the Guild.

Buffy saw him, she managed to say while fighting a vampire, "Did you come to gloat, Spike?"

"Actually" he said, breaking the neck of  a demon that had attacked him, "I'm here to help..."

"Cool...let's help, then" she managed to say, before staking a vampire.

Spike shrugged and got close to Buffy, kicking and punching demons and vampires who got in his way.

They kept fighting, backing each other up, trying to protect the others. Truth was the demons and vampires were just too many for them and he wasn't sure whether they could  hold their own for much longer.
 

For the first time in longer he cared to remember Spike was scared.

~~*~~*~~*~~

"Oh my God...how many of them, still?" Buffy asked without looking behind her shoulders. She sighed, trying to ignore the pain she was feeling and turned looking at her friends.

They were all so tired and hurt. Xander's left wrist was broken, yet he was keeping fighting. Anya was by his side, her clothes were shredded and dirty with blood and slime. She was holding  a stake in her shaking hand ready to defend herself from the vampire that was approaching her.

Giles was fighting against an ugly green demon, his movements with the sword almost too quick for the eyes to catch. He was bleeding  from various wounds, yet he almost didn't seem to care about it. As always he was covering her back.

Willow was lightly apart from all of them, she was slowly chanting, yet she was holding a crossbow in her hands. She had been unarmed.

Spike was by her side, she could have sworn he was panting, just like her.

"Too many, ducks..." Spike said in a low voice. "too many"

Buffy turned and looked at the vampire. He was bleeding too, he was hurt, she could see it. There was a strange look in his eyes, an humanity she had never seen before. She briefly wondered why he hadn't run, why he had stayed with them and had fought by their side. Blood thirst wasn't an excuse.

She shrugged, deciding she was going to have a long talk with the vampire if they survived the night,  and asked, "Too many, uh?"

Spike just nodded at her words. Buffy almost smiled when she said, "Well...that doesn't mean, we will go out without a fight..."

Spike couldn't help grinning at her words. He looked around and said,  "Not bloody likely, ducks."

Buffy suddenly turned and kicked a vampire that was behind her, quickly staking him. She looked at Spike, then pointed at her friends with her eyes and said, "Watch their backs..." 

Spike just nodded at her words. Buffy took some steps forward, and took a deep breath before spin kicking a demon which attacked her.

Buffy looked at Spike, he was fighting trying to protect her friends. He was fighting as if he cared for them. He shouted when a demon suddenly grabbed Willow from behind her shoulders. Spike charged  the demon with an animalistic roar, she was about to join him when he heard a cry.

A masculine, sharp cry of pain.

"Giles..."  she whispered recognizing the cry's source.

She turned. Giles was being held by a demon, it was gripping his shoulders. She aimed the crossbow at it. The demon looked at her and she surprised her almost making her drop her crossbow, when it spoke, "Drop it...or I'll rip him in two" to prove his point he gripped Giles' arms and began pulling them.

 She let fall the crossbow, and hissed through clenched teeth, "Let him go..."

She heard Spike saying the same things at the demon that was holding Willow. She looked at Xander and Anya, vampires were holding them too.

She briefly wondered why they were still alive, why they hadn't just drained them and discarded their bodies on the ground.

Adrenaline and fear were humming in her blood and she was sure the vampires and the demons could feel it. She took deep breaths and looked at Giles, he looked back at her, incredibly he smiled at her, a pained smile, but a smile nonetheless.

She smiled back at him but her smile quickly faded when Giles nodded and mouthed, "Do it..."

She nodded back, tears glistening in her eyes, while taking a step forward, ignoring his cries of pain as the demon began pulling at his shoulders.

SLAYER! 

Buffy turned toward the voice, ignoring the sudden excruciating pain in her abdomen and the Goosebumps which had covered her skin, all her skin.

A purple halo radiated from the figure who was calling her, that voice radiated evilness. Buffy couldn't help swallowing, though her throat was dry.

The voice spoke again, saying something in a language she didn't understand, she saw Spike growling at those words and answering in the same language.

I'LL KILL YOU...BOTH OF YOU

The voice said. Buffy wasn't able to see through the purple halo, she stepped back when it got closer to her. She had never been that afraid.

BUT NOT NOW

The voice continued, amused. A purple mist suddenly surrounded them all. She looked around trying to break free from it, but she found out she couldn't move. She heard the others' screams, and deep laughters. A wave of nausea hit her and she closed her eyes . She needed to breath but she didn't let herself breathe in that purple, thick, mist.

Her eyes suddenly flew open. The mist had disappeared and with it the vampires, the demons and that voice.

Her knees gave out, she knelt on the grass taking deep breaths. She looked around and spotted Anya and Xander, they  were lying unconscious on the grass, she crawled toward them and let out a relieved sigh when she realized they were both alive.

"Giles?" she called looking around. She slowly stood up walked toward the point where Giles had been held. His sword was on the grass and so were his glasses. They were shattered.
 

"Oh God..." she whispered kneeling and taking the broken glasses in her hands, "Oh, God.." she repeated, blood stained one of the lenses.

"I don't think *God* fits into this picture, Slayer."

Spike's cold voice said from behind her shoulders. She got up and turned around, Spike glared at her, he was in full game face. His yellow eyes sparkled in the night when he said, "They've taken him."

Buffy was surprised to detect an expression akin to pain in the vampire's face and in his voice when he added, "They've taken Red, too..."

Buffy looked at the blonde vampire, she had never seen him looking that scared. She clutched the glasses against her chest and asked, "What's happening, Spike?"

Spike shook his head, no matter how much he wanted to reveal his real identity he couldn't do that. His suspicions had been confirmed. Someone knew about the Eletti. The entity behind the purple mist had talked to him in ancient Greek, reciting him the oath the Eletti in training, took before being activated.

Heta7tanatos had begun.

-3-

"Ego damno vos ad iterum facendum" [I thee condemn to repeat]

The demon said blowing at the purple mist and at  the two people who lied unconscious in it.

"Ego damno vos ad perpetuum dolorem, perpetuum tormentum" [I thee condemn to everlasting sorrow, everlasting heartache]

The demon smiled showing his razor sharp fangs, when Giles and Willow began screaming.

~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow Rosenberg shook her head when she felt the purple mist disappearing. She was lying on the damp grass, her eyes were closed,  she let out a breath but winced in pain, she could feel a weight on her, she shifted trying to pull herself free and slowly opened her eyes. Spike's upper body was lying above hers.

The body of the demon that had been holding her was lying  next to them, its stench almost unbearable.

She vaguely remembered Spike charging the demon, before that purple mist had enveloped them.

Willow looked down at Spike. He was pale, too pale, too cold...even for a vampire. There was blood around them, too much blood and she was sure it wasn't hers alone. She jerked her head up when she heard a scream and the familiar noise of a vampire turning in dust after being staked.

Buffy was kneeling on the grass, Willow let out a strangled sob when she saw the sharp edge of a knife emerging from her chest. Giles who had apparently killed the demon that had been holding him, was immediately by her side, picking her in his arms, blood was pouring from her mouth while she tried to form words.

 Willow looked at Giles while he gently tucked a damp lock of blonde hair from her face, staining it with blood. Buffy tried to say something but she could only cough, more blood poured from her mouth, she tried to raise a hand to touch his face, but it abruptly dropped. Willow knew in that moment, that Buffy was dead.

"Oh no..." she whispered. "Oh, Goddess no...please no...she can't be dead..."

Giles seemed oblivious of Buffy's death, though. He kept holding her in his arms, whispering something she couldn't...didn't want to hear.

Willow blinked, letting the tears roll on her cheeks, she lightly started when the vampire in her arms stirred, "Spike?" 

She slowly asked resting her back against a tombstone and pulling the vampire in her arms, only then did she notice the hole in his shirt. With trembling fingers she moved the edges of his shirt to take a look at the wound.

She felt her eyes filling with new tears at the sight, Spike had a hole in his chest, as big as a fist. She realized that  the demon had probably dug his arm in it, ripping half of his heart out of it

The blonde vampire slowly opened his eyes, Willow realized it was painful for him to do that. "Willow" he rasped.

"Sssh..." she shushed him, ignoring the fact that he'd used her name, and its implications. She caressed his hair and whispered, "Don't talk..." 

"I feel like...shit..." he murmured closing his eyes.

"Don't worry, you're going to be fine..." she whispered.

" 'Don't think so..." he mumbled, "the tosser took half of my heart.."

"No...you're not going to die..." she stated shaking her head, tears were streaming on her cheeks. She'd just lost her best friend, she wasn't going to lose Spike too.

Spike couldn't help smirking at her words. He opened his eyes and looked at her weakly saying, "Sorry to break this to you, luv...but I'm already dead..."

"NO!" she shouted. "You won't dust on me, do you hear me? Please Spike..."

Spike looked at her and whispered, "I can't help it..."

"Don't leave me alone..." she almost sobbed, blinking at what she was saying.

Spike half smiled at her words and teased, "I didn't know you cared so much..."

"I do..." she choked out between sobs, tracing his cheekbones with her fingers, wincing at how cold they were. She saw Spike's smile widen while life was quickly leaving his broken body. He slowly raised his hand taking hers to his lips, he kissed her fingers and whispered before closing his eyes,  "Me too"

Willow squeezed Spike's hand in hers, sobbing. That couldn't be true...that was just a nightmare...it had to be.

She felt her heart, her own soul shatter when Spike's body turned in dust. She clenched her hand in a fist, trying to keep the ash which had been Spike's hand.

It couldn't be true...Spike couldn't have left her. She was *mortal* . She had been supposed to die, first.

"No..." she whispered shaking her head, her whispers turning into screams, when a sudden gust of wind took Spike's ashes away from her.

"Damn you, Spike!" she shouted, "Damn You!"

She closed her eyes, feeling she was about to pass out, she gratefully accepted the darkness which engulfed her, seeking comfort in its oblivion.

While she closed her eyes she realized  she finally knew how hell was really like.

Spike's death was her hell.

-4-

They hadn't talked while they'd headed to Giles' house after their trip to the hospital. Oddly it had been Spike who had insisted about them going to the hospital, claiming they weren't going to be of any help to Giles and Willow if still hurt.

None of them had uttered a single word after that remark. Buffy looked at the vampire, who was driving them to Giles' house, his eyes on the road, his jaws clenched. Buffy lightly squirmed in her seat, she didn't want to admit she was afraid of him in that moment. She saw he was barely containing its demon's rage.

She knew Spike didn't gave a damn about them. As he'd reminded them time and again, the only thing which kept him from killing them was the chip.

He'd betrayed them, yet in the end had helped them, thinking about it his betrayal had helped them sorting things out.

She'd always suspected Spike liked Giles. What she'd never imagined was that Spike liked Willow, as well.  There was something she couldn't understand about him, his whole behavior that night had surprised her, to say the least.

<Can this night  get any weirder?>

She silently wondered, her eyes filled with tears when she heard Willow's voice telling her she'd just jinxed herself. She let out a shaky breath and closed her eyes thinking about Giles.

She couldn't let herself feel the pain, she couldn't let the emptiness claim her...or she wouldn't have ever been able to help Giles and Willow.

Later, she was going to explore the depth of her feelings...and let them kill her, if her friends were dead.

If Giles was dead.

For now, she just have to find them. No matter what.

She opened her eyes and looked at Spike realizing he was probably thinking the same things, she
cleared her throat and softly said, "We'll find them, Spike."

Spike looked at her, for the first time since they'd left the graveyard, his glare was as cold as ice as cold as his voice when he said, "You can bet on it, Slayer..."

Buffy saw even what the vampire wasn't telling her...

Whoever had taken Giles and Willow was dearly going to pay. For the first time since she'd known him, Buffy totally agreed with him.

~~*~~*~~*~~

They all went into full research mode, as soon as they entered Giles' apartment, though they were all hurt and tired, they just couldn't let themselves rest. They didn't want to waste precious time. It was dawn when Spike finally told them to go to sleep.

Spike was tired and angry. He realized his cover was slowly shattering, but after that night he didn't have time to think about his facade. Heta7tanatos was more important than anything else. The fact that the demon had taken Giles and Willow showed how much serious that matter was. He'd had barely time to contact the Eletti, since they had returned to Giles' apartment.

It was strange how he'd slipped into the role of leader of the Scooby Gang, he thought. Never had he been so glad about the heavy training he'd had when he was still alive. He realized that not even Buffy had paid attention to that, although he hadn't missed the strange looks she had been giving him. He knew she was on to something...probably not his calling, not his real identity, but she suspected, that was enough. 

Now he was alone, in the watcher's living room, reading old text that talked about demons and prophecies. When he was still alive, he had spent countless hours reading them, studying them. His cover of bad-ass-master vampire, didn't include depth knowledge of obscure texts, that had been a bonus. Only Dalton had been aware of his knowledge's depth. He had been sent by the Eletti to help him...too bad, he had been fried by the Judge.

The texts weren't very clear about the entity that had taken Willow and Giles. A purple mist was usually associated with the Amethyst order. Necromancers and warlocks.

Heta7tanatos meant humans and demons had associated to end the world.

He shook his head. Men and women like him, for centuries had given up their lives, to join the Eletti, trying to save the world.

Most of them were alone, they gave up  love, family and friends to do so. He had been lucky, he had had Drusilla...and when she'd left him and he had been assigned to Sunnydale on a permanent basis, there had been the others. The ScoobyGang.

His demon respected them, because they were valid opponents. His soul...he respected them, for their strength, for the loyalty they showed to the Slayer...for the fact that though not being forced by a calling as in Buffy or Giles' case, they stayed and fought risking their lives, risking their souls.

He couldn't get why people...regular people wanted to end the world. He could see the demons' points....but why humans wanted to do that was beyond him.
 

He closed his eyes thinking about Willow and Giles. He understood now, why there were such strong regulations about caring for humans.

Truth was he cared about both of them, more than he wanted to admit...and that was a weakness he couldn't afford right now.

He opened his eyes when he heard steps approaching, he knew without a doubt who it was, Buffy.

The vampire turned and looked at her noticing she was wearing one of Giles' shirt and a pair of shorts and said, "You should rest, Slayer...you're still weak."

"I will survive..." she said, sitting on the couch next to him, Spike looked at her and said, "You have to regain your strength...get the hell out of here and go to sleep."

"I can't..." she said in a low voice.

"You have to" he all but growled.

"I can't close my eyes...I'm too worried...."  She said, shaking her head when she realized she had just admitted her weakness to one of her worst enemies. It was just...for the life of her, she couldn't see him as an enemy...not after that night.

"Fine...don't close your eyes then...just lay still and let your Slayer's healing works its magic..." he snapped.

Buffy took a deep breath and looked at the vampire, his hair was tousled, she'd seen him running  his hands through it quite often for the last hours, he was paler than usual.

<What the hell is going on here?>

She silently wondered. He'd never looked so concerned, so worried, not even for Drusilla. She shook her head and asked, "What's happening, Spike?"

The vampire looked at her, seeing the meaning behind her words, yet he shrugged and said, "It looks sodding clear to me, slayer..."

"Why did you fight with us last night?" she asked looking at him.

Spike looked back at her, tempted to tell her the truth...but unless the Eletti gave him the all clear, he couldn't, so he just cocked an eyebrow at her and said, "Who said I was fighting *with* you? I was fighting the demons...a nice, good spot of violence ...."

"Tell me another one, Spike...." She snapped. "I don't believe you! I saw you fighting the demon that had broken Xander's wrist and beat it in a bloody mess...I saw you charging the demon that was holding Willow..."

"They were nearer..." he replied.

"Yeah, right..." she paused for an instant then she surprised him punching him on the nose

"Ow....you BITCH!" He growled.

"I want the truth, Spike...and I want it now! What did the demon tell you? Why were you fighting with us? Why are you still in Sunnydale?" she asked, marking each question with a punch.

Spike got up from the couch and surprised her, calmly saying, "You're not ready for the truth, Slayer....and it doesn't matter now...we have to find Red and the Watcher...and kill whatever took them..."

Buffy shook her head and whispered, "You're right...but we're not finished, Spike...I want answers....and I'm more than ready to hear the truth"

Spike smirked at her words but said, "Perhaps you're right... "

Buffy shrugged and said, "So, what are we going to do?"

"Research for now...we've got to know who are we dealing with before we can do anything...isn't what your watcher always says?" he paused and looked at the Slayer, she was close...too close to the truth...and it was still too soon, he got close to her and whispered against her face, "Or have you forgotten while playing GI-Jane?"

"Bastard" she said through clenched teeth.

Spike cocked an eyebrow at  her and said, "That I am, ducks..."

Buffy looked at him and decided to let it drop. She really wasn't in the mood for her usual banter with the vampire, though she realized his last attack had been a  way to distract her from  what was happening, so she took another deep breath before asking, "Did you find anything?"

Spike ran a hand through his hair. Should he tell her what he knew, what he had found out? He wasn't supposed to read dead languages, but he knew she had heard what the demon had told him and recognized that he had been speaking to him in a language he wasn't supposed to know, so he shrugged and said, "Not much....I'm not the brainy one, here remember? "

Buffy swallowed, trying to fight back tears, her voice was cracked when she said, "Giles is"

"And Red..." Spike added. Buffy raised her head, surprised by the softness in the vampire's voice. She got up and said, "I know someone who can help us..."

Spike looked at her and said, "Look ducks, if you're going to call Peaches... "

Buffy shook her head and said, "No, I'm not..."

"Who then?"

"Ethan Rayne" she whispered.

"Ethan_ Halloween, Eyghon, Bar Candy Incident_ Rayne? " Xander's voice called from atop the stairs.

Buffy turned toward his friend. He looked like death warmed over, yet she couldn't help smiling at his words. She shrugged and said, "He knows magic, black magic, dead languages..."

"He's a bastard...last time he was here, he turned Giles in a demon!" Xander said approaching them.

"Do you have a better idea?" she asked.

Xander looked at her he was about to speak, when Spike interrupted him saying, "Look, I don't care who you call...I couldn't care less even if it was that wanker of my grandsire...just do it!"

"Shit, fang boy I didn't know you cared so much..."

Spike growled morphing in his game face. He was so very tired. Of everything.

He was tired of feigning he couldn't care less about what happened to them, while he actually lurked in the shadows, helping them.

He was tired of putting up with all the crap and the venom that boy threw at him.

Habit and discipline, yet kicked in and he was able to catch up before he did something he could regret. His  voice was as cold as ice when he said, "Look, had it been one of you I'd been celebrating right now, but I *respect* the Watcher, so make that phone call, now!"

Both Buffy and Xander noticed either  Spike hesitancy and the fact he hadn't mentioned Willow, they looked at each other, then Buffy said, "I'll go and try reaching Ethan"

"How do we know he's not part of this?" Xander asked.

Spike smiled at him, "Trust me, once ducks reaches him we'll find out whether he's part of it and I do really hope he isn't... "

"And what if he is? You what? You can't hurt him, can you?" Xander snapped. He couldn't believe they were going to waste time into looking for Ethan Rayne.

"I can..." Buffy whispered. She looked at Xander and repeated, "I can..."

-5-

The demon watched the two humans. It had trapped them in his mist, while waiting for the Slayer and the Eletti to arrive. It needed them. the demon could have easily taken the Slayer and the Eletti during the battle, but when it had sensed the underlying tensions going on among them, it had changed its mind.

The demon watched the two humans mildly interested, it could smell their pain and how it  was slowly melting with the sorrow it was forcing them to endure thanks of its set up. Their mingled emotions, their shared pain  was creating a delicious union which made the demon groan with pleasure

Yes, it decided, taking the Slayer and the Eletti right then, wouldn't have been as funny.

It knew they were going to arrive, after all it had carefully chosen the two humans to make sure they came to him.

The two humans they couldn't live without. It was amusing how a vampire could be as weak as a human where love was concerned...especially if the said vampire was an Eletti.

The demon had always thought the Eletti were a bad joke. When it had found out about their existence it had been delighted.

The Eletti and the Slayer...they could save the world....but their blood could destroy it as well.

The demon laughed thinking how fun was going to be, kill the two humans in front of them, but first thing first it had to pay a visit to the Slayer and the Eletti, it was time to begin its hunt.

~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow had known there was something strange the moment she'd opened her eyes. Living on the Hellmouth and being a Slayerette had taught her to expect the unexpected

Vampires, demons, hyena boys, mummies, zombies, sorcerers, Principal Snyder, werewolves...you name them. They researched on them, they faced them, they slayed them...sometimes they even shagged them...

Nothing, however, not even her vampire self from another dimension had prepared her, to what hit her square in the face shortly after she'd awoken that morning when she'd realized she was reliving the events of the previous day.

<Of all days...why yesterday? >

She wondered  while heading to Giles' apartment. 

<Simple, because it's been the worst day of my life. Yes, Will...your life sucks big time, and that's just another proof of it. >

She looked around knowing exactly what was going to happen. An old woman dropped a bag, just like the day before, she cursed, while kneeling to pick up the oranges and apples which had fallen from it. The day before she'd mused about oranges and apples, thinking as usual about Spike.

She couldn't help the tears which veiled her eyes when she remembered Spike's death. She stopped in front of Giles' apartment and looked around taking in all the details that she usually ignored. She knew she 'd to talk to them about what was happening.

She opened the door of Giles' apartment and let the tears fall when she saw her friends.

Buffy was in the kitchenette, Willow knew her friend had just finished training and was drinking what probably was the mother of all cups of coffee.

Xander and Anya were 'researching' on the couch.

She didn't see Giles, but she heard him arguing with Spike, they were probably in the bathroom. Willow noticed the apartment had been sun proofed.

Spike had been there the previous morning, although she hadn't understood why he had been there, Giles had told her, the previous day something about Spike seeking refuge to him for the night.

"Hey, Will...you took your time to come here, didn't you?" Buffy happily said returning from the kitchenette.

Willow looked at her friend, tempted to go to her and crush her in her arms, instead she just said, "Hmm...well yeah..."

Buffy took some steps getting close to her and asked concerned, "Hey, Will, what happened, why are you crying?"

"Nothing..." she lied

<What can I tell her? Oh, Buffy? You died yesterday and so did Spike, but never fear because we're repeating the same day?>

"Nothing, uh ?" Buffy asked crossing her arms over her chest.

Willow nodded flashing her, her best resolve face. She sat on the couch and asked, "Where's Giles?"

" He is in the bathroom with Spike,  he's going to drag him here "

Willow sighed. She wasn't ready to see Spike  knowing that in less than twelve hours he was going to die to save her.

She looked at her best friend, knowing she was going to die in Giles' arms. She clearly recalled how her blood had stained his hands. She clearly remembered how they hadn't even been able to say good-bye to each other, for her death had been too quick, though very painful.

She wondered if she was the only one who had realized what was happening. She looked at her friends, they seemed oblivious of what was going on.

"Why don't you leave me the hell alone?"

Spike's voice came from the bathroom. Willow shook her head and got up, she headed to the kitchenette and took a water bottle from the fridge, taking a long gulp from it, trying to ease the dryness in her throat.

She could still see Spike dying in her arms. she could still feel his lips grazing her fingers. She closed her eyes, resting her head against the fridge when she heard Spike enter the living room with Giles. 

Why had Spike saved her life?

She could  see through her mind's eyes, the hole in his chest, and how half of his heart had been ripped from it.

She took a deep breath while opening her eyes. She had to talk to all of them, she knew they  were eventually going to  believe her. They lived  on the Hellmouth, after all.

She clutched the bottle in her hands and left the kitchenette. Her heart almost stopped in her chest when she saw Spike. He was sitting on a chair scowling at something Giles had just told him.

Never had he looked so handsome to her, as in that moment. Until the day before, she'd been successful at hiding her feelings to him. She'd watched as her crush had become something deeper over the last year but she'd held her feelings back, knowing that nothing good came from loving a vampire.

Even a vampire as strange as Spike. A vampire that had helped the Slayer, a vampire that had been heartbroken when his mate had left him.

A vampire that knew history and not just because he had lived it.

A vampire who once, in his own way had assured her, she was still desirable.

She'd watched as Spike had slowly become the only reason why she woke up smiling in the morning, yet she'd kept hiding her feelings, she'd kept reminding herself he was a soulless vampire.

< He will  die in my arms. >

She thought while sitting on the floor and picking up a book from a table.

< Again.>

She opened the book, avoiding to look at Spike.

< I will still close my hand in a fist to keep his ashes >

She gripped the book's edges, trying to read through the tears which blurred her sight.

<  I will still cry, cursing him for saving my life...condemning to the hell of living without him. >
 

She let out a sob, not caring if anyone had heard her. Her whole body ached to run to Spike and hold him

<Uh... did I mention I love Spike? >

"Hey, Red...what happened?" Spike asked. He didn't look concerned, just curious.

<Well, I do... >

Willow didn't answer him, she looked up and met Giles' eyes, mirrored in his eyes she saw her same pain. The pain of seeing the person you love much of anyone dying in your arms.

< Did I say my life sucks big time? Well, it does...it * so* sucks. >

"It's not just me...isn't it?" she asked, her voice cracked.

< Did I mention I haven't the foggiest idea about what to do? >

Giles slowly nodded. He couldn't help looking at Buffy, who was looking at them concerned.

"How are we going to stop it?" she asked looking at him. She realized it had come out, more as a plea than as a question.

< Is there a way to stop it? >

"I don't know..." Giles whispered.

< Damn, why don't they give you a manual, when they decide to mess with time? Star Trek much? >

She thought. She took a deep breath and closed the book then she looked at Giles, the older man nodded then cleared his throat before saying, "We have a problem."

  -6-

~ He could feel it. The passion, and the fire within himself. It had become too much to bear. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, so fast that he was beginning to wish it would just burst.

Although London during winter was a very cold city, he was hot. He felt his skin burning. He had to go out from that room, from that white sheet of paper, he was looking at.

The words in the sheet, seemed to blur.

He had been activated.

Few words to describe the end of his human life.

Few words and two names.

Angelus and Drusilla. He had to contact them somehow. He had to stop the Scourge of Europe.

William closed his eyes. He felt like jumping out of his skin. He had never felt that restless...

He slipped on his brown duster. He took a look outside the window, it was raining, so hard that he could barely see what was outside. He, took a deep breath while he watched the room where he lived in. It was small, and poorly furnished, a crumpled sheet was on the floor, he knelt taking it in his hands, he lowered his head toward it and closed his eyes, thinking for an instant of his family.

They believed him dead.  He had left them, left to pursue his dreams, to pursue the passion which burned within himself. He wondered whether they had been disappointed in him. He wished he would have had the chance to explain things to them.

He shook his head at those thoughts. He was a Watcher, he was one of the Eletti, sacrifice was part of his life.

He tightened his duster around himself, with that weather, he was going to catch a cold. He couldn't help laughing at that thought. He was going to die, probably  very soon, which difference was a cold going to make?

But he was so hot...he needed that rain, he shrugged then left his room.

He walked slowly down the streets. He marveled admiring how the moonlight reflected on the wet pavement,  giving it  silvery  sparks, he looked at how the rain tickled against the glass of the lamps.

The rain was soaking his shirt and trousers, his shoes had holes in its soles and his feet were cold and wet with rain. He was shivering, yet the fire within himself was far from extinguished.

Usually he could drive his passion elsewhere by  spying on the vampires. He had learnt to block out his feelings. that night, though it seemed too difficult. That  night even breathing seemed too difficult.

That, was probably his last night as human. That could probably be the last time his feelings were pure and not contaminated by the demon that was going to live within himself.

Yet, unconsciously, he was already looking for them, for Angelus or Drusilla.

There weren't many people on the street that night, just the usual guttersnipes and  whores. He briefly pondered whether he could afford a whore for a last shag as human. Not that he usually went looking for them, he couldn't afford them and besides, although shy, he wasn't ugly. There were women who fancied him, he wasn't a virgin any more.

Sex for the sake of it usually didn't matter to him. Yet he felt so alone, that night. He sighed feeling his eyes fill with tears, he angrily wiped them away with the back of his hand. He run a hand through his wet hair.

The fire was becoming less intense, more bearable.

"I'm going insane" he whispered closing his eyes, smelling the rain. He took deep breaths, he had always loved rain's smell, it had always had the power to relax him, even the grey smell of London's rain had that power over him.

He opened his eyes, and continued to walk, there was a church nearby, he knew it was always open,
perhaps he would have found some comfort on a sacred ground, although he doubted anything could comfort him in that moment.

He didn't have doubts about his calling, he didn't have second thoughts. He just wished he had more time.

He started when he heard footsteps. He was so used to spying creatures of the night, that he had almost forgotten, how dangerous London could be at night. He turned around toward the steps and his breath caught in his throat.  

Drusilla.

He knew her. He had occasionally spied on her. He had read something about her. He suspected she was insane, and cruel. He knew she was Angelus' childe, they were always together.

Always but not that night.

She was alone, slowly walking under the pouring rain. William swallowed, blocking out his fears, his thoughts.

Looking at her from a closer distance he couldn't help noticing how beautiful she was. She looked like a princess. Her waist length black hair was elegantly picked, her skin was smooth and pale, so very pale. She was wearing a light grey dress, the rain had made it transparent, she was wearing a long, black mantle.

William took some steps forward, getting close to her. He realized her neck and hands were dirty with blood, yet she looked frightened

<It is time to begin > he thought.

"M'lady...are you all right?" he asked

The vampire lightly started, she looked at him for some long seconds, tilting her head on a side, but didn't speak.

"Are you hurt?" he asked. She looked so frail, so broken. He couldn't explain the sudden and ferocious need to protect her, he felt, even knowing whom she really was.

The  woman weakly nodded at his words. William took a deep breath, what was happening to him?

"Did somebody hurt you? You are bleeding"

Drusilla's eyes widened. William noticed their color...and suspected that if he wasn't careful he could lose himself in them.

"M'Lady? Talk to me...should I call your parents, the police?" he asked, wondering at how fast his heart was beating. 

Drusilla got closer to him. Rain drops were beading her beautiful face. He resisted the urge to wipe them  away with his fingers.

She  looked into his eyes and  told him in a sing-song voice, "My daddy doesn't want me home,  tonight."

"You shouldn't walk alone at nights...it could be dangerous for you." William said.

"He said I have to come back before dawn...he doesn't want the sun to kiss me" she continued, slowly circling him.

Drusilla grazed his shoulders with a finger, a smile was crossing her lips, "You are so lonely..."

William closed his eyes. He head read about Drusilla's psychic abilities, he hadn't imagined they were so accurate.

"I am..." he admitted.

Drusilla nodded, while with a finger she traced his neck, she was so close to him now, that she could easily whisper in his ear, "The stars are singing to me. The stars say you have fire in you, you have power, you have darkness...but you have a heart."

William gently took her from her shoulders and looked into her eyes before asking, "What are the stars  telling you?"

She looked back at him before screaming. She slowly  knelt on the wet pavement,  covering her face with her hands, ordering him to go away.

"You want to taste the darkness..." she almost growled when he didn't comply. It wasn't a question, there wasn't uncertainty in her voice. 

William knew that his chance had arrived. He knelt  beside her and gently placed his hands on her shoulders, "I want the loneliness to stop...can you understand that?"

"You can still save yourself...the stars are begging me to spare you from the darkness..." she said in a child-like voice. She screamed again, William looked around to make sure no one was seeing them.

"Perhaps this is the only way to save me... can't  you see it in my heart?" he asked. He knew he was risking to be discovered, but that was probably his only chance. 

"Please, save me..." he added in a low voice.
 

Drusilla raised her head, she was in her game face, "Do you still want to be saved?" she growled.

William nodded, Drusilla tilted her head and said, "The stars say you are not afraid of me...of what I am"

"I want to be like you..."

She nodded at him, then with a non human strength she pulled him to her, tilting with her hand his neck on a side, exposing it.

And death surrounded William Appleton. Death  became him. 

~

Spike  awoke with a start. He hadn't even realized he had dozed off. He ignored the others' looks and bent to pick the book that had fallen on the floor  when he had awoken. He shook his head trying to shake away the restlessness caused by the dream, it had been ages since the last time he had dreamed about the night he had been turned.

Why was he dreaming about when he was still alive? Why that sadness didn't leave him? He had accepted his calling, welcomed it, actually. he didn't have time to think about the past, not when so much was at stake.

He angrily threw the book across the room. He was furious and scared and while he was used to being furious, he didn't like at all being scared....not when there were so many lives at stake...not when fear clouded his mind.
 

No matter how much he tried to, he couldn't remember what had happened when the purple mist had enveloped them. He just recalled the words the entity had uttered...and then the mist. He'd fought it, trying to break free, but when he'd been able to,  the Watcher and Willow had already disappeared.

Heta7tanatos had begun...and to complete it they had taken Giles and Willow as tools. He knew what the Eletti were going to say. They were going to order him, to let them die...they were going to tell him they weren't important.

He knew why Willow and Giles had been taken...they were the people both Buffy and he, cared the most.

He knew that he wasn't going to obey those orders...he wasn't going to let Giles and Willow die.

He was surprised realizing how much he had grown to care about Willow. No one knew about it, and until the night before Spike hadn't even suspected the depth of his feelings for her.

He'd always told himself he had grown to care about her, because she was the only one among them, who showed some real respect to him. She'd been the only one to accept him and understand the hell he'd been through for the last year, for some strange reason they were able to understand each other's pain.

She cared about him and she didn't even know he *wasn't* a soulless vampire...and mostly she didn't care.

Last night, when he'd found out that she'd disappeared he'd realized how deep his feelings were.  He not only cared for Willow...his feelings were much closer to *love*   than mere care.

After Drusilla, he'd believed he would have never loved someone else, not a vampire much less a human. He still loved Drusilla, he hadn't forgot her...and he knew he wasn't going to anytime soon, but he *loved* Willow as well.

He kept repeating to himself nothing good came from loving a human. If anything the whole mess with Angelus and the Slayer had taught him that.

An Eletti couldn't love a human...soul or not. It was dangerous...for everyone. It was a weakness that couldn't be afforded. They hadn't forbidden him to love Drusilla. Actually it had begun as his cover. Even if his love for Drusilla had clouded his judgment from time to time, he had always been able to do his job.

Loving a human was different.

Humans  were just a nuisance.

Images of Willow's smile  flashed in his mind. Willow wasn't a nuisance. She had never been.

Humans were frail, mortal.

He kept telling himself all of this, but it didn't help. His feelings for Willow were still there...and Willow was still missing.

He slammed an empty mug against a wall, ignoring the others' glares, he could see through the corner of his eyes, that Buffy was looking at him with a strange expression on her face.

She understood him, Spike realized. She understood his feelings for Willow, and his anger. She didn't know about his calling, but she understood his feelings, she understood how bitter realization was. She understood  because she was feeling the same things.

He'd seen it in her eyes. He'd watched as the realization of her feelings for the Watcher had slowly dawned on her.

<About damn time>

He thought  while lighting  a cigarette. He knew Giles was crazy for her, he had lived with him for months, after all, and he'd always suspected that if Buffy really looked into herself she would have realized she was in love with him as well.

 He sat on the couch and picked a book, flipping through the pages, without really reading them. They'd spent the day researching and trying to reach that Ethan Rayne bloke, he'd even forced Buffy to train.

While the others thought they were still researching, Spike had actually waited for orders. Orders that he knew weren't going to arrive anytime soon...in the meantime they were helpless, a feeling Spike didn't like to feel, it reminded him of when he'd been confined on a wheelchair.

"I can't believe there's nothing, not even in the Watcher's diaries!" Xander exclaimed throwing away the last of the diaries he'd been reading.

Spike just glared at him, he was very pale, and looked like he was in pain, which he probably was. He'd tried to talk to him into taking pain killers, but he'd adamantly refused, which had only added on Spike's frustration.

"I should go out patrolling"  Buffy said getting up from the floor where she'd been researching.

"Don't even think about it, Slayer...we are to be together if we want to find out what happened to your friends!"

Buffy looked at Spike and hissed, "Does the word 'Sacred Duty' rings any bell to you?"

< If only you knew>  Spike bitterly thought.

"Does the word 'I don't give a flying fuck about it' does the same to you?" he hissed back.

"Giles would want me to keep patrolling" she said.

"Probably, but guess what? He's not here....and you're not leaving this house" he said.

"Or you do what? You tickle me to death?" she said putting her hands on her hips.

"Nothing that a Tylenol can't cure..." he said morphing in his game face.

" C'mon, let me see how you embarrass yourself, Fangless boy!"

"Bitch!" he hissed

"Bloodsucker...oh wait, you can't *suck* anymore" she hissed back

"ENOUGH!!" both Anya and Xander shouted.

Spike and Buffy looked at them, Spike morphed back in his human face while Buffy looked away.

"Buffy? Spike is right you're not going to leave this house...we need you here!" Xander said

"See?" Spike said smirking at her.

"And you...what the hell is your problem, Spike? " Anya asked.

"I'm trying to help you lot!" He shouted

"You're driving us crazy!" Xander retorted "You're worse than Giles at his worst! We're worried sick about them...but they're our friends, what's your excuse?"

Spike shot a furious glance at him then said, "I don't owe you explanations, you little twerp!"

Xander just rolled his eyes and shrugged he was about to say something, when the door of the apartment opened, they all turned and looked toward the person who was standing on the doorway.

"Am I interrupting something?" Ethan Rayne drolly asked entering the living room. He closed the door behind him and smiling asked, "Where's Ripper?"

The blonde human projectile surprised him. Buffy launched at him and pinned him to the wall.

"What is your problem?" he rasped.

"What did you do?" Buffy hissed.

"To who?" Ethan asked

"Whom" Buffy automatically corrected him, she blinked  and suddenly let go of him. She   shook her head, feeling tears swelling in her eyes, she swallowed then whispered, "To Giles and Willow..."

Ethan looked at her then he said, "I don't know what are you talking about..."

"Oh, it's very simple" Xander interjected, "We were fighting demons and vampires, a purple mist suddenly enveloped us, when it dissipated the demons and the vampires had disappeared and with them Giles and Willow "

"A purple mist, you said?" Ethan asked. all of them noticed that Ethan had suddenly massaged his arms trying to get rid of the goosebumps which had formed on them.

Xander just nodded at him. Ethan looked at Buffy and said, "There's nothing you can do...if *it* has taken Ripper and the little witch you just have to pray theirs has been a quick death..."

Buffy grabbed Ethan for the collar of his shirt and hissed, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Hell?" Ethan almost laughed, "You are much closer to the truth than you imagine..."

"He was the answers to your prayer, slayer?" Spike asked getting close to them. He hadn't missed the look of pure terror in the man's eyes. If a sorcerer who adored Chaos was that scared, things were worse than any of them could ever suspect.

Buffy turned to look at Spike, the vampire had morphed in his game face, she shrugged and said, "I guess I was wrong"

Spike took a step closer "Big bloody shook..."

Buffy turned toward the vampire, she looked at him, understanding in their eyes, she smiled and turning toward Ethan she said, "Well...that doesn't mean I can't make it right...say your prayers to your favorite demon Ethan, because you're gonna meet him soon..."

Her hands went on Ethan's throat and squeezed, Ethan choked, "wait...I...can...still...help..."

Buffy's grip on Ethan's throat lessened, she looked at him and hissed, "How?"

"I...can try to locate them..." he rasped...

"He's lying, ducks...kill him" Spike's voice called, Ethan blinked and looked at the vampire, who had morphed back in his human face and had lit a cigarette, he looked amused.

"No...I...know black magic..."

Buffy let go of him and said, "Fine...but if you lie...Spike and I will be glad to finish this..."

"I'm not lying.."

"Prove it..."

Ethan opened his mouth to speak, but he winced when the room was suddenly lit by a bright purple light. They all froze, when a cold purple mist slowly engulfed them. Buffy stood near Spike, trying to see the form moving behind the purple halo, a voice coming from it addressed to her saying,

NO ONE HAS GOT TO HELP YOU, IF YOU WANT THE HUMANS BACK

"What do you want?" Buffy asked, taking a step toward the light

I WANT YOU"

"What do you want from me?" Spike asking stepping near to Buffy.

I WANT YOU AS WELL"

 The voice said.

"What for?" they both asked.

 YOU'RE NOT IN THE POSITION TO ASK ANY QUESTIONS...IF YOU  WANT TO SEE THE HUMANS AGAIN ...I JUST WANT YOU, I DON'T REALLY CARE FOR THE OTHERS

"Well, we're here...what are you waiting for? Let the others go..." Buffy said.

 OH, I'M READY FOR YOU, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR ME, YET

"What is this supposed to mean?" Spike asked, trying to ignore the ancestral fear he was feeling.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ME...IT'S BEEN AN EASY HUNT...TOO EASY...AND I LIKE A GOOD CHALLENGE...

"So, do you want us to find you?"

YES...YOU HAVE THREE DAYS FROM NOW, ONLY THE TWO OF YOU...IF YOU'RE LATE THEY DIE...IF YOU'RE ON THE DOT, LIKE I WANT YOU TO BE, YOU DIE...BUT THEY LIVE...

Spike smirked, "Why me? Why should I care whether the witch and the watcher died? Mate, I'm a demon, remember?"

YOU, A DEMON? YOU KNOW WHAT AND WHO YOU ARE, WE BOTH KNOW WHO YOU ARE...TRAITOR! BUT I WON'T STOP YOU...YOU CAN STEP AWAY, BUT I'VE TO WARN YOU, THOUGH...IF YOU DO THE WITCH DIES AN AWFULLY PAINFUL DEATH...

"So what? You'll get the same question from me, 'why in the bloody hell should I care?" Spike said again ignoring the demon's words. He felt his cover shatter under Buffy's gaze, but he didn't care, he went on saying, "I'm a demon...I'd ask you to let me watch...'"

Buffy shot an angry look at Spike, the vampire ignored her but said, "What did you expect, slayer? I'm a demon, after all...I quit, do what you want, I won't participate to your little hunt"

I'LL KILL BOTH OF THEM AND THE SLAYER...

"Be my guest..." he smirked and said, "You know what I think? I think that it's no true we need you...it's you who need us, you need both of us, don't you? You want us go looking for you? Fine...but we'll play by my rules..."

I COULD KILL ALL OF YOU IN A EYELASH...

"No you can't...not now, at least...you said it, mate...*we* have to be ready for you...so now, I'll tell you what..."

YOU HAVE THREE DAYS FROM NOW...IF YOU'RE LATE THEY BOTH DIE...

The voice said interrupting them.

"Yes you already told this...but how do we know they aren't already dead?" Buffy asked.

THEY AREN'T...I'M JUST HAVING A LITTLE FUN WITH THEM...

The demon actually chuckled at his words before adding,

I'M NOT SURE, THOUGH, WHETHER YOUR FRIENDS ARE HAVING A GOOD TIME...I WOULDN'T BE LATE IF I WERE YOU...

"Where..." Buffy began.

The demon interrupted her saying,

WE'RE CLOSE, IF THAT CAN HELP...

with that the voice and the purple light disappeared

"Gee thanks..." Buffy muttered under her breath trying to shake away the dizziness, she took a look at the occupants of the room. Xander and Anya were both lying on the couch, apparently unconscious

< That's really becoming a habit... >

She thought, shaking her head. Ethan was sitting on the floor, leaning his head  against a wall, breathing heavily, he was very pale. She shrugged and looked at Spike, the vampire snorted and moved toward the sorcerer, while she approached her friends. She knelt next to them and woke them up.

Spike helped Ethan to his feet, ignoring Buffy's glares. He didn't have time to deal with her questions. His mind was quickly forming a plan. He was sure the Eletti weren't going to reach them in time...so he had to act quickly...there was just one option.

He could feel Buffy's look on him. he knew she wanted answers and realized lies weren't going to be enough that time. He turned toward Buffy. the woman looked at him  and said, "I think you owe me an explanation...Spike..."

"I don't...but I'll tell you the truth. Not here though, and sure as hell not now."

They stayed in silence for some minutes, then Buffy said, "So...what do we do?"

Spike shrugged and said, "We'll go to him..."

Together they began planning.

~~*~~*~~*~~

Giles looked at Willow, the young witch was frantically researching on her trusty laptop, she apparently couldn't help the tears which kept veiling her eyes. He sighed, trying to block away the heartbreaking images of a dying Buffy trying to tell him she loved him, and how he had whispered he knew, he'd always known, even after she'd died.

He had heard Willow's heart wrenching screams, he'd at first thought they were about Buffy, only when he had turned he'd realized Spike had died. He had died to save Willow's life, just like Buffy had died to save his.

He hadn't been able to let Buffy go to get closer to Willow, had just held Buffy tighter to him, while tears had spilled down his cheeks landing on Buffy's forehead.

The last thing he remembered was Xander forcing him to let go of his hold on Buffy, while Anya tended on Willow, who hadn't regained consciousness. Xander had inadvertently squeezed his dislocated shoulder, and he had passed out, greeting the darkness which had taken him away from the hell of living without Buffy.

When he'd awoken, he'd immediately understood something was wrong. It had took a while for him to realize what was wrong. When he'd seen Spike watching the tv in his living room, he'd realized he was reliving the day before.

He got close to Willow and sat next to her asking, "How are you feeling?"

The red-head looked at him and whispered, "I'm afraid, Giles...I don't want them to die..."

"I know...I don't exactly fancy it myself." He said taking out his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"How is Buffy?"  Willow asked.

"Confused, I think..."

"You didn't talk to her?" Willow asked.

"No...and you didn't talk to Spike, either."

"What should I tell him, Giles?" Willow weakly asked. "Oh, please don't dust on me?"

Giles saw how Willow had looked at her hand, closing the left in a fist and had shaken her head. He lengthened a hand and closed it over hers saying, "We shall find a solution, Willow..."

The young red-head nodded her head, she raised it and looking at him said, "She would kill me, if she knew I'm gonna tell you this...but..." she swallowed "she loves you..."

Giles averted his gaze from her and whispered, "I know..."

"How?" she said.

"She tried to tell me..." he lightly shook his head and continued, "Although I've known for a long time."

"Why didn't you...?"

Her words were interrupted by Buffy and Spike who returned in the living room. They'd  been talking in Giles' bathroom about what was going to happen, and had surprisingly reached the same conclusion...they were going to patrol with the others, after all.

Giles immediately left Willow's side and  headed toward the kitchenette, Willow looked at Buffy a pleading look in her eyes, Buffy swallowed and nodded, following the man in the kitchenette.

Giles was resting his head against the fridge, his eyes were closed. They had been researching all day to no avail. He heard Buffy enter the kitchenette, and sighed.

He lightly tensed when he felt her hands on his back. He resisted to the urge of turning around and enveloping her in his arms, to never let her go. He shook his head and whispered, "You won't go out patrolling tonight..."

"Giles..." she began. Giles interrupted her, though, saying, "No, Buffy...please listen to me...just once...listen to me..."

"I can't...I've talked to Spike about it and believe it or not, for once we agreed...we're going out with you..."

Giles turned and grabbed her wrists in his hands hissing, "You don't understand...if you go out tonight, you will die! We haven't been able to understand what is happening..."

"If we don't go with you, you'll die...all of you...but if we go, we might change what happened..."

Giles shook his head, tightening his grip on Buffy's wrists, "You can't be serious... "

"I am. I won't let you die, Giles...none of you. I'm the chosen one, remember? " she said.

"We don't even know, what are we dealing with, Buffy..." he looked at her with pleading eyes, Buffy swallowed but shook her head, she grazed his forearm and said, "If I'm about to die...it won't make any difference...at least, I'll be sure you won't die..."

Giles swallowed. he raised a hand and grazed her hair, before closing his eyes

<Please, don't take her away from me... >

~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow could hear Buffy and Giles talking in the kitchenette, she hoped they could sort their problems out. She heard Spike behind her. She knew she should have probably talk to him, but she couldn't, she wasn't sure, she could talk to him, without crying, right now.

~  I didn't know you cared so much

I do

Me too ~

<Dammit! >

Willow thought  looking at Spike. The vampire was sitting on the couch, avoiding her, Willow shook her head, they'd been avoiding each other all day.

She got up from the chair and sat next to Spike on the couch, she looked at him, taking in all the details on his face, realizing she didn't need to do that, she already had his features engraved in her heart, in her soul.

She didn't notice Spike had been glancing at her until he said, "Pet, what are you looking at?"

"The scar on your eyebrow..." she replied absently, then shook her head and mumbled, "Sorry..."

He frowned, and asked amused, "Well what about it?"

"How did you get it?" she softly asked, tempted to touch it with her fingers.

"A fight..." he replied lighting a cigarette.

"Why this doesn't surprise me?" she softly said..

Willow saw Spike smiling at her words and couldn't help the new tears that veiled her eyes. she hadn't even realized that Spike's smile had faded until through the tears she saw him shaking his head at her and say, "Look, Red...I'm not really looking forward to turning into a big pile of dust...but..."

Willow shook her head and attempted a smile, she took a deep breath then said in a firm voice, "You won't. I won't let it..."

"Why?" he asked in a low voice. Willow didn't speak. She didn't have the courage to tell him the truth. She didn't have the courage to tell him, how much she loved him and how much his death had affected her

 <Well, duh, Willow! As if he didn't know...you haven't been able to stop crying since you came here this morning >

"Red?" Spike's voice made her start, she looked at him and shrugging she said, "Because we're friends..."

"Are we?" Spike asked frowning.

Willow nodded and said, "And because I don't want you to die..."

"Sorry to break this to you, luv but..." he started

"You are already dead..." she finished in a cracked voice, "I know...you already told me "

"When?" Spike asked puzzled.

"Yesterday...just before ..." she shook her head and hid her face in her hands, she didn't want Spike to see her tears, but couldn't help it, when she felt Spike's arms around her shoulders.

She raised her head and met his eyes, he was softly smiling at her, there were no traces of his usual cockiness in it, he pulled her closer to him and said, "Well, you already knew that..." he paused then added, "look...I know it's been tough for you ...but this doesn't mean it's going to happen again, that's why ducks and I decided to go with you on patrol"

She pulled away from him and asked, "What?"

"You heard me, Red..."

"Yes and I can't believe my own ears!"

"Red look, " he began.

"Look what, Spike? Look at you while you turn on dust on me? Look at you as one moment I'm  holding your hand and a second later I'm clutching your ashes?" she shouted.

"You are not sure this will happen again, and however it would be better than me, holding your dead body!" he shouted back.

They were looking at each other, their faces serious, then Spike pulled her at him and kissed her, hard.

Willow blinked surprised, then closed her eyes, sighing in his mouth, giving in the sensation. She had day-dreamed at times, about being kissed by Spike. She had imagined it in many ways, but was not prepared at the sensations which overwhelmed her.

His mouth was ravishing hers, making her heart pound against her chest, so fast, she was *positive* Spike could be deafened by it. Spike was holding her tightly to him, his hands were stroking her hair, while the other was firmly on her waist.

The kiss wasn't sweet, in it there was all the passion, the fear, the desperation of losing  each other.

He abruptly pulled away from her, and calmly looked at her, while she was panting. Although his eyes were yellow, now, he hadn't morphed in his game face. Willow wasn't scared though, she stretched her hand to his face and grazed his cheeks. Spike, though, jerked away from her and got up from the couch, storming outside the apartment

Willow looked stunned at the door and covered her face with her hands, muttering between sobs, "This sure as hell didn't happen yesterday!"

-7-

Xander Harris was tired and in pain. He hadn't been able to sleep since Willow and Giles had been taken. Each time he closed his eyes images of his friends  conjured  in his mind. Images of pain and torture, he had refused to take the pain killers for that very reason.

He didn't know what to think of Spike's behavior, he had acted as if he really cared for both Giles and Willow and was now planning their rescue with Buffy.

Since the demon had disappeared they hadn't fought any more. They had reached a truce of some kind and were now working together.

Anya had taken care of his car, sunproofing it, for Spike's sake. He honestly didn't know what to think about the vampire. He was seeing him under a whole new light. He had troubles reconciling the image of their enemy, to that of the guy who was helping them, now.

They were about to leave Giles' house, they didn't know where their friends were, but both had felt they were still somewhere near Sunnydale. They were now packing the weapons they were going to use, though Ethan had warned them that common weapons weren't going to be of any help against their foe.

"Are you sure, you don't want us to come with you?" he asked looking at Buffy.

The Slayer looked at him and said, "Yes, Xand. I'm sure...we have to play by that jerk's rules if we want Will and Giles back..."

"What's going to happen to you?" he asked, though he was afraid of what she was going to tell him.

"Well, it's plausible the demon will attempt to kill us" Buffy said.

"Yeah...but it's likely we will kick its ass" Spike said closing a bag loaded with weapons.

Xander looked at him, then at Buffy and said, "Be careful..."

"Of course we'll be careful...we'll bring them home..."

<Yeah, but at what price?>

Xander thought. He shook his head and looked at them. There weren't traces of their previous animosity, for the first time since he had known them, they really looked like a team, a deadly one.

Buffy got close to him and hugged him, she then parted from him and  looking at him said, "You need to rest...we'll need you when we come back"

Xander nodded feeling she was trying to reassure him with her words. He didn't remember ever being so afraid and worried for his friends. he let go of her and held her hands in his for a second before saying, "You'd better go..."

Buffy just nodded, she took a backpack from the couch and looked at Spike then together they left the house.

Xander waited for some seconds before letting himself slumping on the couch, the pain and the worry too strong for him to bear.

~~*~~*~~*~~

It was exactly like the day before, Giles thought looking around while fighting a green demon. He could hear Buffy asking Spike how many demons and vampires were still charging them. He knew that in a few seconds a demon was going to attack him.

It all happened so quickly, he'd just dispatched the green demon, when the other grabbed him from behind

He couldn't help crying in pain when the demon's claws pierced his skin.

When Buffy turned toward him, he knew time was going to repeat itself. The purple mist engulfed them. He tried to see through it, tried to fight the dizziness caused by it. He couldn't see anything through it, he could just hear screams, Buffy and Spike's screams. He closed his eyes while the mist slowly faded.  

He knew what was going to see once he opened his eyes, and the sight which welcomed him when he opened them  confirmed his thought, Buffy had been stabbed.

 He rushed toward his Slayer, not caring about the fact, that the demon had lessened its grip on his shoulders.

She was kneeling on the grass, the sharp edge of a silver dagger emerged from her chest, blood stained her white tank top. He knelt beside her and took her up in his arms, he could hear in the background Willow strangled sobs, Xander trying to comfort Anya, despite the pain which was clear in his voice.

<It can't be happening again...it can't be true...>

A voice in his mind kept saying, while he looked down at her. Blood was pouring from her mouth while she tried to form words. Giles shook his head  and whispered, "Don't talk...we'll get to the hospital...we have plenty of time to talk"

<Oh, God please no...>

Buffy weakly shook her head, while he gently tucked a damp lock of blonde hair away from her face, staining it with blood, unconsciously repeating the previous night's gestures. He couldn't believe this was happening again, he couldn't believe he had  Buffy's warm blood on his hands,  it was staining his sweater. He could see life quickly leaving her.

Buffy tried to say something but she could only cough, more blood poured from her mouth, she arched her head trying to breath. He could barely  hear the words she was trying so hard to say, "Lo...love you"

"L...love you" she kept mouthing.

 He pulled her closer oblivious of the tears which were dampening his cheeks, whispering, "Sssh...I know, love...I've always known...I love you too"

He closed his eyes when Buffy tried to raise a hand to touch his face, knowing that she was dying, that just as the day before it'd  abruptly drop on the grass and Buffy's body went limp in his arms.

Giles opened his eyes,  he shook his head and tightened his hold on her murmuring  against her face, "You can't leave me, Buffy...I love you so much...please...don't leave me..."

But he knew she couldn't listen to him, any more. He kept whispering nothings to her, he kept whispering to her how much he loved her, oblivious of  his surroundings, the only thing which mattered to him, was the lifeless body in his arms

It was Willow's heart wrenching screams, which broke his numbness, still holding Buffy's body in his arms he turned toward the red-head, her skirt and shirt were dirt with blood and dust...Spike's dust, she was sobbing, her left hand closed in a fist, he realized she was probably clutching Spike's dust in it.

He met Willow's eyes. In the back of his mind he knew he should have gone to her, but he found out he couldn't  let Buffy go, he couldn't move a muscle  to get closer to Willow. He just closed his eyes and held Buffy tighter to him, while tears spilled on his cheeks landing on Buffy's forehead.

Willow slowly crawled toward him, her face a mask of pain and grief, her left hand was still closed in a fist, she stopped next to him and whispered, "We failed, Giles. We couldn't save them..."

Giles closed his eyes, when a wave of excruciating pain  hit him in the shoulders. A greeted that white pain, which led him to unconsciousness...fearing that once he opened his eyes, again...events would repeat themselves, fearing he was going to relive that day.

-8-

Spike had asked Buffy to stop to her dorm. He had claimed he needed something from there. She had the surprise of her life, when after they entered her room, Spike sat at Willow's desk, turned on her laptop, and extracted a blue floppy from his duster's inside pocket.

"What are you doing?" she asked, taking other weapons and a pair of jeans from her closet.

"I'm looking for answers"  he replied not looking at her.

"On Willow's laptop? I had no idea you knew how to use a computer..." she said.

Spike turned toward her and said, "There are many things you don't know about me, Slayer...and it's fine by me...now, would you leave me the hell alone, for a while?"

"Sure...I'll go changing." She said.

"You might want to eat something..." he absently said while she went changing.

< Ok, officially wigged out, now...did he just remind me to *eat* ?>

She thought while changing. She could hear him type on the keyboard and swear under his breath. Where did that floppy come from? Why was Spike so willing to help?

Another question kept echoing in her mind, though. Who was Spike, really?

She returned in her room when Spike was turning off Willow's laptop, he turned toward her, and Buffy couldn't help noticing the distressed look on his face.

Spike...

...William The Bloody...

...was scared . Scared by the information he had found on the floppy.

"Did you find something?" she asked getting close to him.

"Oh, yes...yes I did..." he replied looking at her, his eyes bore into hers, while he got close to her and  Buffy couldn't help taking a step back. She swallowed and asked, "What did you find?"

"I know who and what took Red and the Watcher...I know where they might be...I know what's happening to them..."

"Do you know how to stop this, uh? Do you even know how to bring Will and Giles, back, while you're at it?" she dryly asked.

"Oh, yes...I already did, once."

"Once?" she asked.

"Yes...but first let me ask you a question, are you ready to kill human beings?" he asked.

"What?" she asked surprised.

"You might be forced to, there will be human beings...are you ready? I can't do that...as you bloody well know"

Buffy looked at him, "Human beings?"

"Yes, technically speaking..." he said. He looked at her, catching the hesitancy in her eyes and said, "Doesn't it matter now, let's go...I think it's time I told you a story..."

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"Under Sunnyhell...that's where they hiding..." he said heading toward the door.

"And it's supposed to take us three days to find them?" she said following him.

Spike stopped. He turned to look at her and said, "You have no idea who and what are we dealing with..." he paused, then added, "Once we enter Sunnyhell's tunnels, time and space as we know it, won't exist anymore. magic  and illusions will reign...."

Buffy looked at him, "I guess I'll have to trust you on this one... but first..." she surprised him, punching him on the nose.

Spike covered his nose and said, "What the hell was that for?"

"Nothing...it's just that I feel this is the last time I can rightly punch you..."

~~*~~*~~*~~

They were outside the tunnel's entrance. They hadn't talked since they had left  Buffy's room.

They both had small backpacks and bags with them. it was still night, a clear night. Buffy looked around, trying to impress it in her memory, feeling that was the last time she ever was outside. Feeling that was the last time she ever looked at the stars.

As if reading her mind, Spike said, "Don't waste your time looking at the stars...you'll see them again" he paused then asked, "Are you ready?"

Buffy turned and looked at him, she managed to smiled before saying, "Of course...wouldn't miss it for the world."

Spike shook his head at her words. He hoped Buffy was going to remain strong. he hadn't told her everything about  what they were going to see and experience.

If what had been in the floppy was true, some of the more powerful demons and warlocks had conjured to end the world.

Two months before, one of the Eletti had mysteriously disappeared. She had been assigned to keep tracks on a Master Vampire in France. Word was her cover had blown up big time. Since then, there had been an unusual activity.

He was mad as hell. Why hadn't he been informed of all this? He had noticed something strange, but had connected it, on living on one of the Hellmouths.

He'd had suspicions about what was happening to Giles and Willow. A brief talk with Ethan had confirmed them.

He knew that they were torturing them. they were fucking with their heads...and he knew, they didn't have much time...if they wanted to save them, not just their bodies, but their minds as well.

They entered the tunnels. They both jumped when the entrance disappeared, leaving them in the dark. He heard her open her backpack, he shook his head and stopped her saying, "Don't..."

"I can't see anything..." she replied.

"Oh, yes you can...you're the Slayer's for God's sake! Hone your senses...adjust to the darkness, you will be surprised" his voice was low and soothing.

Buffy took a deep breath, while Spike kept talking, "Don't you remember what they told you when you were called? One girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and the *skill* to hunt the vampires... "

"Gee...does everyone know this speech?" she asked. She was smiling, though...Spike had been right. She could see in the darkness. She was surprised by how different the tunnels looked. She could almost see the magic, she could feel the evil, more clearly than she'd ever been able to.

Spike ignored her words, but said, "A Slayer is not just a killing machine, ducks...what do you see? What do you feel?"

"Magic, it surrounds us...it's molding this place..." she breathed.

"Very Good...now stick with me, don't rush at anything, they want us apart...just focus on your senses" he continued.

They walked in silence for a while. The corridor seemed endless, Buffy was surprised by how comfortable she felt with Spike. She looked at him, he looked very calm, there weren't traces of his usual hyper self. He looked like a predator, yet he hadn't morphed in his game face, he was close to her, but not in a menacing way.

"Are you ever going to tell me the truth?" she asked in a low voice, "'Cause I gotta tell you, the thirst for violence is not very convincing any more..."

Spike chuckled at her words, but didn't say anything. Buffy realized he was struggling with himself to tell her the truth, she took a deep breath and said, "You can tell me, Spike...whatever happen I won't tell anyone, I promise."

Spike turned toward her and asked, "Why do you want to know? Isn't it enough I'm helping you and your chums?"

Buffy shook her head, "No, it isn't, Spike. I was used to a cocky, easily bored, hyper vampire, who loved violence, who loved messing with our heads...now I'm dealing with a vampire that speaks ancient languages, that know how to use a computer...and that is way too calm... so, what's the what?"

"I'm a vampire, ducks..." he said.

"I kinda noticed that, thank you." she dryly replied.

Spike snorted at her words and said, "But it's why I'm a vampire that matters."

"Uh?" she asked. The silence in that corridor, was almost deafening.

"Have you ever asked Angel about my turning?" he asked lighting a cigarette.

"He didn't want to tell me, the only thing he ever told about you is that, quote 'Once he starts something he doesn't stop until everything in his path is dead' end quote"

Spike cocked and eyebrow at her, before saying, "He told you I was dangerous...but he didn't tell you how we met...didn't he?"

"No, although he told me about Drusilla...." She replied.

"Sick bastard..." he murmured, he shook his head then said, "Come on, Slayer...you've been an Angelus' victim...you know how sick he is...and how he enjoys it"

"You'll get no arguments from me here..." she whispered. She then looked at him and said, "but you're still not spilling...c'mon Spike!"

"Have you ever wondered what happens in the rest of the world, while you're here slaying?" he asked.

"Everyday..." she whispered, feeling suddenly uncomfortable.

"And have you ever wondered why you don't travel from place to place, stopping the various threats against the world?"

"Sometimes..." she admitted, she stopped walking and she crossed her arms over her chest saying, "but this doesn't explain anything, Spike..."

"On the contrary. What do you think the council does besides  giving a watcher to the slayer?"

"I have no idea, they haven't done anything for me...since they sent Giles to me. All they did was giving that damn test to me, and then firing Giles because he cared too much about me..."

"Quentin Travers is an ass...and the Cruciamentum is just crap" he murmured

"Granted but...hey! How do you know about him and the test?" she asked surprised.

"You'd be surprised by how many things I know about the Council. Did you know, for example, that there's an intelligence within the Council?" he said, ignoring her question.

"Intelligence as in...spies and all the lot?" she asked.

"Exactly."

"And what ...whom do they spy on? Is Travers one of them? And how do you know about it?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"I'm one of them..." he mumbled. How could he explain the fact that he had willingly chosen to die...and become a monster? How could he explain what meant to him being one of the Eletti?

"You're telling me you're a spy?" she asked incredulity in her voice.

"Yes...although we call ourselves Eletti."

"But you're a vampire and ...oh!" she said realization dawning.  "You spy on them? S...since when?"

"Since I was human...." He softly said. "I was a watcher...when they approached me."

"They?" she asked.

Spike nodded, "They told me who they were...what they did...they only choose the best among the watchers...did you know your watcher had been offered to?"

"Did he refuse?" Buffy asked.

Spike shook his head, "No, he was called as your watcher...after Merrick died. It had been Merrick to suggest his name as your watcher...Rupert chose his slayer...to stand beside her and guide her..." he turned to watch her then softly said, "He chose to stand beside you even before knowing you..."

Buffy swallowed, fighting back tears, missing Giles more than ever. She cleared her throat and said, "B...back at you...what happened?"

"I accepted. I was young, idealist and very lonely...and I wanted to aid the Slayer..."

"Well, it doesn't look like you did a good job, then. You killed two..."

"I had to. Both times." He snapped.

"You had to?"

"Angelus had kidnapped her. He had decided to turn her..." Spike noticed Buffy blinking at his words, "but first he decided to fuck with her mind. Mind torture, Angelus was the master of it. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't contact the Eletti, because the bastard was checking on me, he didn't trust me...yet, I managed to talk to her one night, while Angelus and the others were out hunting. I told her about me...my calling..."

"Did she believe you?"  she asked.

" I don't know, ducks. I think she was just probably scared to become a vampire..."

"I can relate..." she mumbled.

Spike shook his head, and started walking again, followed by Buffy, who asked,  "What happened, then?"

Spike slowed and shrugged, then bitterly chuckled before saying, "Emilie...that was her name...she had asked me to kill her, if I wouldn't have been able to save her, so when the wanker surprised us, together, she  punched me. We fought and I killed her"

"How?" she said in a nasal voice.

"Does it matter?" he said in a low voice.

"Yes...did you drain her? Stabbed her?"

"I broke her neck! Are you happy, now? Under Angelus' eyes...and do you want to know what he did after I killed her? First he tortured me for hours"

"He tortured you? Why?"

Spike laughed at her words, "Why? Because he was evil...and sick. He loved to torture just about anyone. Body, mind...it wasn't important to him, as long as he could hurt. I had killed his new toy,  he didn't trust me... it was torture's hour and no one was around except me."

"He suspected about your calling?"

"No...I wouldn't be here if he really had suspected that. He just didn't trust me...he didn't like me. "

"Were you afraid of what he could do to you?" she asked in a low voice.

"Oh, no... What could he do to me...kill me? I was already dead. He could just torture me, but I've been trained to bear torture...all the watchers are..." Spike noticed she flinched at his words, he shook his head and said, "Then he kissed me...telling me how proud he was of me, and how all his doubts about me, had been for naught..."

"Why...didn't you kill him?" she asked.

"I couldn't blow my cover. I hadn't been assigned to him to kill him, that was the Slayer's job...my job was  to stop his plans...do you think Achatala has been his first attempt to end the world? Angelus was the scourge of Europe...and believe me, the things written in the Watcher's diaries are nothing compared to what I saw him doing..."

"So...that's how you killed the first slayer...what happened, then?" she asked. she had troubles believing him, but she couldn't ignore the sincerity in his voice and the haunted look in his eyes.

"He disappeared...later we knew he had been cursed. The Eletti forgave me for what I had done...and I went for my merry way with Drusilla..."

"Did she know about you?" she asked.

"Are you kidding me? Of course she didn't. We traveled from place to place...I dragged her wherever the Eletti sent me. ...most of the times. For a while, I just enjoyed being a vampire. I just enjoyed being with Dru. She  trusted me...she had sired me, but I took care of her. "

"Then what happened?" she asked.

"Something very similar to what's happening, now...A slayer went rogue...humans and demons got together to end the world and one of the Eletti's cover had blown big time..."

"Let me guess...that's how you killed the second slayer..."  she asked.

"You think Faith was bad? Well...you didn't see the other...she was the one who put together demons and sorcerers to end the world...she was a crazy bitch..."

"The one who begged you to spare her?" she asked.

"Uh? Oh, no...that didn't ever happen...I was just buying time...do you think I had come that night to the School to kill you?" he asked.

"Well...let's see...you said you would have killed me...you said you would have sucked one of my friends dry...then beat me with their bones...yes, the idea actually crossed my mind..." she dryly said, she smiled and added, "gee...I wonder why!"

Spike chuckled at her words then said, "I had to stop St. Vigeous' night and kill the Anointed One...those were my orders...and well, I wanted to cure Dru..."

"You were convincing...." She commented.

"I had to sound convincing...there were minions everywhere..." he paused then looked around saying, "Just think about that...did you really believe for a second that your mum could have stopped me if I'd really wanted you dead? Mr-once-he-starts-something-doesn't-stop-until-everything-in-his-path-is-dead? I was waiting for one of your chums to show up..."

"You knew about them?" she asked surprised.

"Luv, I even knew their shoe's sizes when I came to Sunnydale...and besides the  night we met, at the Bronze, I